I remember the day that I decided I wanted to become a Personal Trainer. It was 6:30am on a Friday, and I was half way through my session with my Strength Coach. I was sitting on the ground in between sets, and I turned to him and said "This is the best part of my day".. He said " What do you mean?" I said "Working out, being here, is the best part of my day...this is what I want to be doing - I want to be a coach".
So, I went to work that day, jumped on the computer, and started looking up courses to get my Qualifications in the Fitness Industry. By lunch time, I had found a course, phoned them, registered, and began my course the following week! I was keen as a bean!
At that point, it wasn't a matter of "how" I was going to get there, it was a matter of "when". I knew that I would get there, but I just wanted to get there now! So, as soon as I could start my course, I did! I was studying on my lunch break, I was studying when I got home, weekends, and early mornings before work! I didn't want to waist anymore time being in a job that I wasn't happy in. I knew that it was up to me to dictate my own happiness, and if I wanted to create opportunities for myself, I needed to put myself out there. This is where my Instagram came about... I wanted people to see my passion. I wanted people to know what I had been through to get to where I am. People saw my body, and saw that I was fit, but they didn't realise what a journey it was for me, and how much it has shaped my life..
Suffering from a severe eating disorder at the age of 16, is something I look back on today and find hard to believe that it even happened. It's a sickness that controlled my life for so many years, but today, seems so distant and somewhat like a dream.
For 6 years, I suffered Bulimia Nervosa, and for those who don't know what this is - It is episodes of binge eating, followed by compensatory behaviours such as vomiting, taking laxatives, or excessive exercise.
I didn't want to be this way - In fact, I was so ashamed and would often cry myself to sleep telling myself that I would be better tomorrow and make a change. But everyday, the eating disorder won. I don't know how I managed to keep this sickness to myself for so long, and at times, I often waited for the day that someone would catch me, but it never happened.
Fast forward to June 28th, 2013... The day I met my partner Paul. This is where I started to take back control of my life. I left his house the following day, and I remember looking at myself in the mirror and speaking the words out loud "This is it"...
It was instant with Paul - I straight away saw something amazing ahead with him, and I didn't want to hide anything. I didn't want to risk losing him, or even losing to myself. From that very day, I decided to get better. Being around him made me feel so wonderful, that I almost felt like a different person. It was like my eating disorder didn't exist. This was great in a sense, but it also brought on severe anxiety. When I wasn't around him, I felt alone, and was scared that I would have episodes of binge eating and vomiting. I remember Paul going away for work for three days, and as soon as he drove out of the drive way, I called him crying uncontrollably. I was crying so much I couldn't breathe. I relied on him so much to keep me happy and "normal", that I couldn't cope being on my own. He didn't understand why I was like this, because I had never told him I was sick. At this point, I was scared I was going to lose him.
It wasn't until I decided to take action and not rely on a person to make me happy, but to actually do something that made me happy, where I started to make real progress. So, I joined a crossfit gym, and this is where it all began.....
I often have moments when I'm alone ( lost in my own thoughts) and I'll just smile, or even cry! It's like an overwhelming wave of happiness comes over me. I'm happy because I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I beat the person in my head who I was at constant battle with. The person in my head who had told me that I would never get better, and that one day I could possibly die from this sickness. But I did it, I beat it. And if it weren't for the people around me who inspired me everyday to be a better, healthier, and stronger human, then I wouldn't be where I am today. Although crossfit is not something I participate in anymore, I thank my lucky stars for walking in to that place, because that community helped changed my life.
I sometimes think "What if I didn't meet Paul... would I still be sick? Where would I be?".. But, that's not even relevant anymore. This is where my life is today, and it comes down to deciding what you want in life, and establishing a true course. I am happy in my own company, in fact, I love my own company. I built this love through my ability to push my body to it's absolute limits. I love that my job gives me the opportunity to help others become a better version of themselves. Just like I have myself. People may not have the same story as me, but everyone fights their own battles, and if I can help one person get back on their feet, then that's my job done. That's my purpose.
The definition of risk is "Exposing (someone or something valued) to danger, harm or loss".
For me, I look at risk as an opportunity to learn and grow. Everything I have done up until this point, I have taken some sort of risk, and in turn, I have either moved forward, or learnt something valuable. Writing this post is a risk, because it exposes me to other people’s judgment. But it's a risk I’ll take, because it brings value to me. And I know that by being honest and open, I may reach out to someone who is going through something similar. This social platform allows me to express myself, and also reach so many different people. And for me, that brings me so much happiness and peace..
If you risk nothing, then you risk everything..
My first crossfit competition